my first faux bedtime!

Right so I've got into my jimjams, kissed him and cuddled him and just laid back and he has his arm around me and we're looking up our own stuff.  I have set my alarm and have my exercise clothes ready for tomorrow.  

(I'm embellishing the scenario with stuff I know I want and my ideal man) 

I am so glad I can just be quiet and private and rely on him to look after me. I look at my friends all being forced to work in workplaces and in public and having 'jobs'.  I really just like being very small but having money just come to me unconditionally and easily with no conditions attached, no pressure attached, no people invading my calm and privacy or time.  Just easy and private and calm and straightforward.  I know that tomorrow will be a day of calm and flowing and effortlessness.  I really like this man a lot, he wants me to be as I am and he wants to protect me and be my protector and just fill my accounts up.  It's such a good feeling knowing I will never have to again be subject to anyone.

I stupidly just looked at a website about commitment and I feel awful. My youth is passing, I'm not a high value woman and he's never going to commit.  I feel shit. Noones going to forget my age nor that I've been around and had embarrassing relationship failures and he's super sensitive to those things.  He'll never come back - he'll never commit anyway.

My ideal man?  He would see past that.  He'd take responsibility that it was his fault for not looking after me properly and take the flack and protect me from it.  He'd be strong and mature enough to see that I was never looked after properly and deserved better and did the best I could with the shit I was given as a burden.  Being told I was worthless and being let down and abandoned by my father and having to fight for everything and just get hurt and upset and shamed for things that were more the men's fault?  How is that fair?  

Coach, he will never come back to me.  No decent man will.  But I'd really like six months of safety to live and imagine them doing so.  Six months of being freed of shame and reputation and memory and guilt and hope.  Just safe.  They can't get me here.  They can't hurt me here.