Drowning in the waves

It is very very difficult to keep my head above water on this.  I keep seeing headlines saying fertility statistics are down which basically means MEN USE ALL YOUR MONEY ON THE YOUNG PRETTY ONES RIGHT!  I'm screwed.  How am I supposed to have any faith this is going to happen for me???

Coach: I'll repeat.  I'm not interested in the reality of it.  You can be reassured that you will never even have a boyfriend to worry about leaving you for a much more attractive younger woman. That's a benefit right?

Me: yeah I guess it is.  We're never going to test this.  I can't fail yeah.  I can't get hurt or shamed or humiliated or left.  I can't fail.

Coach: great.  So we got to the bit where he's told you he was a jerk, he would like to see you properly and take some time establishing your relationship and proving to you it's a permanent thing and he wants to settle down with you properly, lifelong, no cheating, no looking outside your relationship, and creating a lifestyle that really supports that.  This is where I want you to be living for the next six months.  What it feels like to be there.  It's what you want him back for to make you feel secure, normal, cared for, established and safe and prioritised.  You won't see him or contact him to have to fail or have it tested.  What does that feel like? 

Me: it feels nice.  I feel calm, I feel that no matter what I will have someone who loves me.

Coach: So pick it up right now.  You're there, that person, what's next in your day?  

Me: well, I'd be really looking forward to seeing him at bedtime, curling up and confirming we matter to one another and then sleeping, without sex, I'm not ready for that right now.  It's only 4pm and I guess we'd go to bed about 9.30pm and read and chat and things.  He'd invite me to his because it's the right place so I'd bring my bag and my things anyway.  I guess I'd head over after dinner, about 8pm.  

Coach: what would you take with you?

Me: well, I'd really only be staying from 8pm to 7am so I'd really just need my night things and my running clothes, and I'd be going over prepped anyway.  I guess my phone charger, contact lenses, makeup, phone, toothbrush, jimjams, sports clothes for morning and a bag to put my laundry into.  Oh and my supplements for the morning and evening.  I'd need to walk the dogs before 8 and get things done.

Coach: great.  Imagine having no budget constraints, no issues.

Me: I keep seeing him with my ex-friend, her coming out of his house.  They want to hurt me just because they can.