End of Day 2 Bedtime

This is the second day of my career break and I'm not really sure what's going on.  The coach is good - by which I mean I feel we relate if not agree.  I was surprised how visceral it's been - I had coaching (not executed but life or something like life coaching even though I hated it) and it was more filling in forms and graphs about what I wanted to get out of it - maybe more the vibe that the lifecoach could prove how much they'd helped without their governing council accusing them of misusing their position to just tell someone what to do.  Which is probably why I guess I'm getting more out of this coach than any other self-help guide: we argue, or at least debate, and she doesn't hold back from going into the gristle.  I suppose it's the first time I've really had the desperate reality of my situation reflected back at me without it feeling like I'm just in therapy with someone with a clock and hearing that to some extent she agreed with me was a relief - and her not asking me to fix it or believe something my inner critic will rise and punch me for.  It hurt but felt like a relief hearing it so I guess I am in the right area and not having to 'fix' it and being given permission to just ignore it or cover it up was a bloody relief too.  Having to repeatedly keep pummelling myself with 'hes not coming back, there won't be a baby and my stretchmarks and body are beyond repair' was getting damaging but I needed to hear that reality because it's the truth.  It feels unmanageable and I can't imagine coping but deceiving myself isn't helping either.  So it's there and said and noone can claim I am forcing myself or anyone else to assist my denial.  Ignoring, deflecting and covering up aren't denial, they're coping strategies and I'm not signing up for being brave here.   I've done what was asked, he's said he's not interested, doesn't want me, I know I'm beyond repair in my body and I'm too old and I'm too low status.  There.  Done.  Everything else is just to get me through.

I'm bored and lonely to be honest.  It's been hard not having background voices and people to say hi to and just the familiarity and punctuating of small conversations and presence without many demands or intensity.  I'm scared too.  My future is a bleak and frightening place and I don't want to have to be there.  I'm surprised that the Coach hasn't asked me to write a list or fill in some sort of workbook.  I just assumed that a coach would - but so far it seems to be pinning me down from wriggling and getting me to say my heart's broken and I'm scared and probably quite deptessed in a sensible way: my fears and pain are legitimate and well-founded even if not helpful or liveable with.

I really always assumed a career break would involve travel.  I've been backpacking plenty of times and while I want to say it was mindblowingly great, it was mostly quite full, I wasted the opportunities and often it was just a way of punishing myself watching the aloha clique of women get picked while I just hung about doing what I do at home for comfort.  I genuinely get absolutely crippling homesickness, so bad I throw up and binge and get upset.  I get away with being so experimental and rebellious and alternative and adventurous and counter-culture but actually I miss being in MY community and I miss my mother and dog and hot water bottles and doing the same things every day and safety and security and just being rooted and having habits and rural and my same friends from childhood.  I wish it were possible to be safe and protected at home and just venture out travelling and exploring and meeting new people for stress-free, easy micro-trips.  I'm scared of online community because I have been in a disaster before where it's just an absolutely false construct and wish-fulfilment was dangerous and fake.  Relating to people online is just a step too far for me, I hate it.  I hate online management and group working because it doesn't work and I am struggling already.  Keeping in touch with real people I know really is different but I just don't trust it.  Looking up the Library of Congress or Vatican is fine.  Meeting people online isn't.  I have plenty of friends and know plenty of people - I don't need an app to justify myself to.  It's sad.  Go outside, say hello and be friendly to your local cafe staff, have the same habits and just act like you've been there forever and talk to someone ffs.  It's all just too contrived and bullshitty.  

I refuse to meet people online.  If you're not local to me and can't meet and socialise in person then sod off.  I'm not spending umpteen months messaging someone I don't fucking know.  I don't like social media much and I'm quite private and I just hate it all.  Information and communication fine, relationships absolutely not.  

I'm in retrospect glad this Coach isn't Law of Attraction.  I like the idea of LofA and read quite a lot about it, but I couldn't take her seriously if she said we should manifest.  I mean, it would be cool af to have a magical diary where everything came true and amazing trippy things happened but I want a Coach who's my Inner Critic's hero and match, not their enemy.  I like this Coach.  I can try manifesting and all the weird things myself.  

What do I want her to say tomorrow?  Well, I want her to tell me that of I want to explore alternative things that's fine but don't expect her to validate them and she'll keep reality right there.  I know tomorrow I have a goal.  I want to get a 3500kcal deficit throughout the day - ie burn a pound.  I don't want to but I know that even of it's almost certainly going to fail - I want to try curing my stretchmarks because I hate them and they make me cry and feel sick just seeing them.  But it hurts a lot so I want to just maybe try for a few weeks on one small patch and see if a difference can be made.  And I want to spend the day telling myself that my ex is crazy about me and wants to come back and is trying everything and to just act out like that happened.  I don't have to believe it.  But I want to heal and so it's what I need to hear right now.  I want to start building my private journal where everything is magical and easy and perfect.  And I want to live in it.