Halfway There

Well, I got going on RedBubble, which is actually quite a nice idea.  I haven't uploaded any prints yet.  Ten min convo went:

Coach: why haven't you uploaded your prints yet?

Me: I don't know which ones and they seem too specific and I had a look around and all the successful ones are basically fan art or quotations from stuff I haven't seen.

Coach: I want these four up by today.  You got the file formats correct?  They seemed clear?

Me: yeah, they were very easy as was expected.  I just don't know when I can sit down and do this.  I don't want to sit down and do this and fail and get frustrated and disappointed yet again.

Coach: how long could you get it done in? 

Me: if you want it just done and uploaded as prints, for four? I guess I could do it in two hours.  They wouldn't be perfect but they'd be there.

Coach: they need to be perfect in that things match up 

Me: yes I could probably do that in a couple of hours.

Coach: you have a couple of hours?

Me: yes, between 3 and 5.

Coach: so you'll get these done then yes? 

Me: I guess so.  I just know I will have to edit them and that takes time and is annoying and fiddly and my computer is slow.

Coach: you have software, you can get this done right.

Me: yes ffs. Fine.

Coach: good.  So what else are you doing on Day 2 of your career break? 

Me: I haven't had a good morning.  I woke up missing my ex and feeling insecure and old and I skipped my morning walk and I hate my face and body and am wearing clothes I'm not keen on and I'm spending the majority of my day with my mother doing stuff I'm not interested in mostly wasting what little money I have spare on crap. Then I'm going to a catch-up with friends I don't feel comfortable with to play games I'm not really into for endless hours and then will come home frustrated again that I haven't actually produced or done anything.  And I should be walking dogs.

Coach: the theme of today is lifestyle.  You hate your lifestyle and you feel angry at being stuck hanging out with people you don't want to doing things you don't want to spending money you haven't earned.  It's not exactly executive, no.

Me: no kidding.  I told you I'm not executive.  There's nothing I can do about today.  I'm stuck in a house whose decor I hate with my mother not a boyfriend and hanging about with people who are over a decade younger than me who can't get jobs and I'm surviving on way less money than I want.  I'm pathetic.  At least at work I was part of something productive with status and had some sense of purpose and ideas flying at me, stimulation and a guaranteed income.  I wish to hell I hadn't taken this career break.  I was already on the verge of purposeless and how I'm doubley so.

Coach: okay.  We're getting somewhere.

Me: I fell out with friends the other day, because I was right to, but the main underlying purpose was that they make me feel pathetic because they're young and succeeding and building careers and I'm just going backwards. I hate it.

Coach: a career break is what you needed.  What is a career?  It's about purpose, teamwork, making something worthwhile, connecting, flowing.  An executive has authority, significance, recognition, responsibility, status.  All of which you don't have anymore, particularly since you're not at work.  And I understand that you don't want to have those things at other people's expense.  So we're going to think about this okay.

Me: no, it's not hugely okay.