It's all a bit personal

Coach: So here's what you're telling me, as I understand what you've been describing.  I know you want this guy back.  He's not coming back and you're going to have to get used to it.  That doesn't mean you have an excuse to give up on self-care.  You had personal goals for this career break we spoke about - getting down substantially in weight, getting your skin in order, getting your first all over tan and wearing a bikini, going swimming in the sea, wearing clothes you want to wear, getting your style backand refined, keeping busy and having a routine that supports you being single and looking and acting like that's perfectly fine and enviable.  You want to wake up and look down and see clear, smooth tanned skin and nice nails and a well groomed face.  You know you can't show anyone your body because you find your stretchmarks disgusting and so will they, you know that people are lying when they say wow when they see one even though you agree they are right to be fighting on this topic.  You know that men who are good looking with money and property ie your ex can do what the hell they want and can be cruising around having babies til death and you can't.  Being coached means looking at reality in the eye and keeping going.  It means hoping things will magically get better while accepting reality.  You won't compromise on the partner and you can't stay with someone you don't want so you're going to end up on your own.  How do we optimise that?

Me: I guess there are key things that I can do that I can get by with.  I have some good friends and groups and stuff I'm interested in, I don't have to particularly please anyone.  I know what I can't deal with and can deal with and stuff I would like to do, honestly, rather than just people pleasing.  This is my third day of career break and so far I've uploaded one picture and grudgingly walked ten thousand steps and cried and had a fairly miserable day and felt sick at my bloody chiselled in stretch marks and just run into a brick wall that I can never be seen naked again by anyone therefore I have to be single anyway, even without the leper bell of my age and low status.

Coach: see I do listen.  So you're telling me you want to find a path in this where you feel okay each day nontheless.  You want things to be at least a bit better than they currently are and you're absolute on stuff you will and will not do.  I know privately we've covered some of your more alternative approaches like rewriting your days and absolutely unrealistic-but-wanted ideas out in private just to see if somehow they magically manifest while not holding your breath or expecting them to, and you just find it depressing thinking about depressing or blocked things.

Me: yeah.  I guess that's fair.  Is it delusional to just want to have a better life, be loved more and get what you want?  I can't expect it of course because I don't recall it every happening. But I'm ready even just to simulate and project and pretend and just hope against hope that the pain and shame go away for a while.

Coach: fine, let's have a look.  What does a perfect bedtime right now look like - see how much you can write up and we can look at it tomorrow.  I've begun scripting a track I want you to listen to first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening while walking - it will be around 20-30 minutes each time  Do you think you can do that?

Me: yeah, I'm hoping it'll be distracting/altering enough that I won't get bored of it while doing the walking.

Coach: I'm very good at this, trust me.