Morning

Apparently a lot of the coaching work takes place up front because - well because it needs to 🤷🏻‍♀️

I woke up this morning on time but couldn't face getting up and going outside (even though I know it makes me feel better) and I woke up thinking I'm too old and I'm going to be alone and insignificant and things are just going to get worse and worse and I'll never get anywhere.  The only times I've ever woken up and felt nice is when I had someone I really liked I thought liked me back. I've read the literature about making it all intrinsic and vibrations matching others blah blah. On a practical level that doesn't help.  There's no way without actively lying to myself to make this any different but equally my days aren't worth living.  At least work was a distraction or at least focused a robotic kind of this is what's happening now without any real feeling or conscious focus on it. I'm really tangled in ethics about this, what I want is for it not to be true and for the morning to feel great and for what I see to be what I want to see.  Until that happens I feel crap.  But I realistically don't have a chance in hell of these things being true and it's just so unfashionable to be delusional and actively just lie to yourself. I mean, I don't know how anyone would actually know.  There's loads of manifesting stuff on this, acting as if, visualisation, seeing it all as real but belonging to a different dimension and having to learn to just attract it in... Coach isn't going to like this and ethically I can't see how she's going to let herself with 'that's fine, let's just encourage you to lie to yourself and not face your challenges and also create a fantasy world to hide in like a child.  

...

Coach just emailed (I wrote something like this to her last night as my summary)

Coach: I'm happy to call it a simulated learning environment and Im not your therapist and just because you're down doesn't mean you are the difficult side of having mental problems where I have a duty. I'm your coach, an executive coach.  If you want me to apply logic to this to support it then I think by definition some change is what you want (and some static things) and by definition change doesn't exist yet but at least becomes real - that's quite normal - so there's going to have to be some working portion here of where we examine being executive to bring in changes you want.

Me: I can't order my ex to love me and marry me, love should be voluntary and if he doesn't make the executive decision to come back by himself then Ill always be waiting for him to leave anyway.

Coach: then we aren't going to even discuss him.  End of.  Are you confident you have a sufficient grasp on reality physically that if you started hallucinating or feeling ill you would be able to identify what was causing the issue and avoid it? Food, so we're going to use audio tracks morning and night. I'm an executive coach, not a manifesting coach, but I agree that we're going to make changes and a good mechanism of doing so is rehearsing and simulating them.  I don't care if your imaginary (let's call it your sim-partner) partner we'll use has your exes qualities or not.  For six months we're going to assumed that SimPart is there and how you want them to be and it will be interesting. You use placeholders in design, there's nothing wrong with UXing what we're making and we can always bin it if it's unrealistic or needs adaptation because noone wants you because you're too old and your skin is broken and sagging and your deflated and you don't have the right finances and job.  That's fine. I have no problem facing reality and nor do you.  I have no problem examining preferences and change and nor do you.  Your morning is going to matter so we're going to force your brain into hearing something else than your morning dialogue right now.  Even if it is true, it's unhelpful and has negative consequences so get rid of it. You can have what you want!  If you can plug in Stephen Fry narrating fiction and not have a problem with it then you can plug in me narrating a preferable change.

Me: well, what if people think I'm being vain and just telling myself what I want to hear.  They'll laugh.

Coach: then don't tell them and be self-aware and choose tell yourself what you prefer to hear. You're not broadcasting it or issuing it to your cult or on loudspeakers like North Korea declaring yourself emperor are you.  There's no ethics in this except some stoics who like being negative.  I've nothing against stoics. I'd coach them differently obviously.

Me: I really want a husband who loves me and likes being with me and just me and isn't too fussed if we have children.

Coach: fine.  Presumably he isn't surgically attached to you all day?

Me: oh my no, I hate clinging.  I just need reassuring and certainty he loves me and isn't going to leave.

Coach: fine. Where would he appear in your schedule and life? 

Me: uh, well for the most part I'd wake up with him.  And go to bed with him.  And maybe have dinner with him.  And, well, I guess we would live together.  Currently I can't do that, I'm staying right now with my family because I thought I should be away so I gave up my flat for this six months.  What with all the travelling 😒 and not having any money anyway.

Coach: right.