scared and Disoriented

I'm feeling quite upset and disoriented.  This is the opposite of how I want to feel.  I want to feel certainty and grounded. I'm really worried that this is going to be desteuctive, this imagining he's going to come back, but it's so destructive thinking he won't.  I keep seeing my ex best friend who is younger and better and more ambitious and has a job chatting him up and him looking at her how he should be looking at me and my body starts screaming.  What other option do I have but to spend the time acting as if.  Six months acting as if, acting as if until I can't anymore.

So.  If I go just now I should have everything done in time to be in bed with him at 9.30pm.  Clean, curled up, alarms set, shorts and vest on ready to hug and rest til 6.45am when I wake up with my head on his chest, kiss him good morning, hug him smiling qnd happy and leap into my sports clothes while brushing my teeth and get out the door for my day. That's it, not harming anyone.  At 9.30pm I can snuggle up and settle in with him.  That will make me happy.