try again

Coach made me do it.  Or at least has indicated I need to do it.  So am online collabing on a track.  I feel a bit sick.  I've always been kinda hesitant about music as a scene to get involved; my memory is just men playing expecting girls to listen to them, girls listening to them getting ignored, and a bunch of kind of out of place uncomfortable out of place people and an underriding feeling that this is about sex, competition and ego and just feeling greasy and ill.  

I'm still feeling that.  I don't know how to fix it because I like the idea of... I don't know how to deal with this.

Coach: tell me.  You got/wanted to listen and be involved in music, okay, I can see music is a trigger word.  You fancied recording some tunes with people you think are cool and like being around.  Better? 

Me: yes.  I have horrific memories of just being judged and rated and most of it being men sleazing and rating girls on attractiveness (I never scored very highly on that) and just being ignored mostly or just uncomfortably irritating men with ponytails being boring. Whatever the opposite of all those things are - no relationships or sex, companionship, ceilidh/boisterousness, being silly, being competent and it being worth doing and being very good at at least something without having to practice (God practicing is just twee).  Those things yes? 

Coach: again, this is going to be dependent on how and who you do this with. 

Me: yes.

Coach: and having an ultra safe place to make a mess of it and not biting off more than you can chew.  And just not hanging out with people you dislike.

Me: yes.  Are you psychic?

Coach: no I just know what you mean.  How are you going to approach this?  I now you think online collab is for saddos but you need people to practice with and a safe space to rerecord and try things out.

Me: I'd feel okay about online collab if I had a real world group that I enjoyed and contributed something actually good to.  But I was always just peripheral on the music and wanted to but it's owned by other people, cliques, who are not fond of me here and I also get horrific stage fright and it's just full of girls trying to get shagged and put on the top of lists and be popular.  I can't stand it.

Coach: you flickered then. 

Me: well, I'm Scottish really, although I'm a tiny bit English too.   I hate sexual dynamics - really loathe them - but there are a few skiffle musicians who are #alt I could bump into.  But I'd be betraying myself and family if I go down the English folk route. 

Coach: you are worried about this ex-client and the outstanding dispute and when you're going to do your work too.

Me: yes.  I just feel rushed and that everything is out of control and frustrated. And I just don't have time to myself or with others where there isn't some bitch or man with a grudge trying to take me down or replace me.

Coach: what are you going to do about your ex-client.  It's worrying you.

Me: I'm going to file whatever she sends me, whenever she sends it to me, in a box and open it when I'm ready.  That is not today or this weekend.

Coach: having a time and place to do these things in is right.  I know you hate scheduling because when it doesn't go to plan you get angry.  But try logging what you do.  Keeping a logbook, is a good way of doing things.  A general one.  Your day flows from one thing to another so should your log.

Me: I found my old log.  It's basically still the same stuff.  But I'll start again.  What's the point in keeping a log if I'm talking to you anyway? 

Coach: because how you use your time and focus matters.  You shouldn't and dont need to be talking to me the whole time, but there is a voice in you, an internal narrator you should be talking to. And having a log of what you ACTUALLY do and what is ACTUALLY happening - rather than feelings focused (even if you note your reaction or thoughts that doesn't have to be 'feelings' or 'wants' per se which I think is a much better detached solution for you).  We can make progress this career break, I know we can