Working through

Coach: so, welcome to the hour!  We're going to work on the script, I know you've generated some ideas we can work on... I want to concentrate on on waking up and on going to sleep.  We have ample time to generate more about other things and we've already agreed this is just a gloves-off exploration and simulation and you don't really expect to see these external changes just because you're listening to them.  We already know you're unhappy with what is and that you don't want to be made happy about it so let's explore what happy looks like for you.  Going to bed first, just fire the good things that pop up for sixty seconds when I start the clock.  You ready? 

Me: yeah, just whatever comes into my head yeah? Even if it's not possible or real or unachievable or just seems a bit odd or abstract in that context?

Coach: yep.  You ready?

Me: yes.  Ummmm I wake up head on his chest.  I have a nice sleepsuit on - shorts and vest and wrap or something.  I am tanned and athletic and clean.  I leap out of bed into trainers and do something intense workout.

Coach: great.  Now bed.

Me: flip a minute isn't long is it.  Ummm. Right.  Go.  I am in my sleepsuit, I'm clean and tanned and athletic looking and bounce into bed and curl up with him, kiss him and he looks at me with interest and familiarity and we sit ignoring each other happily but entwined with our books or phones and notepads.

Coach: great.  So tell me a bit more...  Let's look at morning.  What do you see/know/do?   One minute, ready.

Me: Ummm I feel absolute certainty and know exactly what I'm doing and have no doubts.  I know that my mother is safe and protected from everything and I can check on her and manage things.

Coach: let's try three mins this time.  Just whatever leaps out.  Do you speak to each other in bed or discuss anything or kiss or do anything?  Do you know what your bedding looks like?  Do you know what your workout looks like?  What do you have for breakfast... Anything that leaps to mind.

Me: Right, so I wake up head on his chest and we look at each other and he kisses me on the nose and we amicably just ignore each other happily.  I bounce out of bed looking hot - bronzed, little shorts, and I pick up my clothes (prepped) and dawdle off to the bathroom where I strip off, pull them on, brush teeth and generally just pull on my headphones and wander out to start my day. 

Coach: yep.  

Me: that's weird, I know I'm happy because I know he's there and who I want and we're married.  He wouldn't marry or live with someone he isn't committed to.  Now I'm crying because he committed to and lived with someone else and never chose me.  

Coach: I can see that.  So it's a big block - you believe he loves someone else who is better than you and he isn't going to change his mind.

Me: yeah, so there's no point in this exercise.  It's just hurting me and making me feel worse.

Coach: okay, I could see you were blissful up to that point you accepted it wasn't real and possible because he already loved someone else.

Me: Yeah.  

Coach: Well this is a simulation and a fantasy so how do we get rid of that block?  He clearly has indicated something to you - this is your head so let's rewrite it.  It doesn't have to be 'real' so we're going to rewrite it.

Me: I know because I was screaming at him and upset when we fell out before and I remember him sitting there with her and everyone saying how upset he was that she'd dumped him and they're still friends and meet up and she's married with property and status and a job and I'm nothing and he doesn't even bother with me.

Coach: okay.. so the objective is to break this block using whatever it takes.  Changes, adaptations, rewrite, dialogue, whatever - let's talk to your inner critic and involve it.  This is just an exercise nothing more.  

Me: well, he would have to say that he doesn't really give a shit about her, that he was angry, that he really wasn't sure he did love me and probably didn't. He would have to say he spent most of his time trying to get me to come to terms with him not loving me and really preferring someone like her.  And then realising that he is actually wrong.  He would have to say that he knows he loves me because he can't bear hurting me and he knows he let me down and that he's just not the marrying kind and he isn't going to say he fancies me when he doesn't.  But that it feels impossible to think of us not being linked.  And he doesn't know what to do.  It is love, a very weird and odd love.  It's an odd love where it must mean something but it's stuck and coming unstuck means a lot of him trying to get used to it and him making a decision and sticking by it and that decision being me.  A verbal conscious decision that it's me and we are in a relationship and that's that and that noone else is allowed in.

Coach: how does that feel?

Me: it feels nice, really nice.  But it's impossible, he hasn't been in touch for months since I basically gave him an ultimatum. 

Coach: well, let's imagine he gets back in touch and says he has been thinking and he wants to meet up.  What's your reaction?

Me: he's going to try friendzoning me again, he's going to tell me I'm mental again, he's going to tell me he's met and marrying someone else.

Coach: you really don't trust this guy do you.  What's preventing you from believing he wants to meet up because he's changed his mind and is missing you and likes being around you? 

Me: because we've done this umpteen times and he never changes his mind.  He never says anything and he doesn't fancy me.

Coach: okay, let's say you've changed a bit - you're looking great, exactly how you want to look.

Me: then he's just being shallow or curious or thinks I'll be useful to him. I'll be too old anyway soon and he'll just do the same thing.

Coach: okay.  Can we think of a way through this?  

Me: no.  I'm still broke, I'm still not good enough.  And when and if I do get good enough he'll just dump me if I fail again anyway or he finds something better.

Coach: have you thought about him failing and getting to feel what it's like? Actually learning a lesson about what it means to live someone through thick and thin?  And letting someone down really badly?  You're a woman, you aren't supposed to be made to feel that way by a man.  He let you down. He hurt you.  He let his preferences take priority when you really needed him.  He failed.  There were plenty of other things he could have done.  He could have just said he really didn't fancy you when you were just so unhealthy but he wanted you guys to be together because he cares about you.  He could have realised that he and how he was treating you was the major part of the problem and you won't trust or forgive him again. He could realise that he can stay single as long as he wants and do as he pleases and be the bachelor guy who never settled down but he'll never get away from being a coward who let you down badly.  You have no idea what it feels like to be truly deeply loved and protected and sacrifices made for and that's his fault and your father's fault.  He can make it up to you.  And he knows how to do it.  

Me: he's choosing not to.

Coach: imagine he chose to.  Imagine he chose to.  Imagine he wrote to you saying he wants to meet you and that's why.  

Me: well, it's impossible but yeah, I'd feel better.  I'd feel better knowing that all that work had been done and it was sincere and a decision he was going to try.  

Coach: what would you do?  

Me: I'd probably cry and curl up and be sick and not believe him.  I'd want proof. I'd want him to prove it to me every step of the way and understand when I pull back it's because I need him to prove he's going to come back and get me to show he's serious.  The obvious problem is that he could be not serious and he might just not come back and I'm waiting for nothing.  Right now he has spent two years proving to me he isnt going to come back.  But I can't accept it because I have no other option. 

Coach: I want you to spend your career break believing he will, that you are worth coming back for and marrying and being sacrificed for and loved.  If at the end as you expect he doesn't, you haven't lost anything.  No-one knows.

Me: I'm setting myself up to fail and get disappointed.  

Coach: no, you are learning what it means to be truly loved and treated how a woman should be treated. He's just an example.  So.  He's messaged you saying he wants to meet up.  What do you say? 

Me: I say no, I'm feeling lousy and he is just making fun of me because he's bored.

Coach: okay, what does he do to show you he's serious? 

Me: in this impossibly romantic scenario that will never happen?  He writes me a letter.  

Coach: what does that letter say?  

Me: It says I'm sorry.  And I'll keep trying just bear with me because I'm not quite sure how to gauge what the acceptable method of finding out if you're absolutely hating me and genuinely never want to hear from me again versus you're hurt and think I'm the world's biggest dickhead and don't trust me an inch and aren't falling for the same stunts is and I also know you won't back down again because I really need to be the man in this.  I need to be the man, you need to be the woman, so I am almost certainly in the wrong and have to do a man thing to show you and you have to do a woman thing to let me.

Coach: what does that look like for you?  I mean - for you and him.

Me: it involves me not doing anything and him doing something. He already duped me using presents and friendzoning.  It involves something romantic that can't be misinterpreted. Using words.  And checking with friends who know me.  And every avenue he can.

Coach: Even I can't think of something like that.  I can't imagine annoying you is something averagely brave people.want to do.  You'll scream at them and cut them off.  And when you're really hurt you don't even scream.  You cut yourself off.

Me: yep.  He has to be the man.  It may not be apparently obvious but I am a woman and I need a man who does man stuff and treats me like a woman.  Except right now I feel awful and like I'm a joke not a woman.

Coach: okay.  Making it impossible by withdrawing is a good woman strategy.  And I want you to not expend any energy or actions doing anything to help.  Tell me what makes you feel more womanly and feminine and desirable that you can do anyway.  In private - noone else can see, it's just for you and to signal to yourself each day that you are feminine and desirable and wanted and loved.  I know your body is a pain point as are mirrors as is money and you don't genuinely believe any man never mind your ex will actually do anything...  Let's imagine you are a beautiful, desirable woman worth moving mountains, sacrificing all others for and investing everything in.  What one small thing would help you know that? That thing that just works for you.

Me: ummm pink.  Pink is a big change for me.  I don't really have my own space or much money to do this with.  I have to have a think about this.  I suppose my fingers and toes and things.  

Coach: traditionally a big pink or red heart works or a rose. 

Me: this is dangerously close to me feeling fake.  I'm not going to send myself roses and big hearts pretending I have someone sending me roses and big hearts.  I'm none of the things I want to be and I'm not being treated how I want to be.  

Coach: I'm not asking you tell yourself you are.  What would a woman who was and who knew she was going to get treated well and asked already have?  What things really make you feel better and womanly and feminine and protected and adored?  Alright, youre looking at me like I'm trying to cut your heart out.  A woman.  Not you - pressure off - you're a very good designer.  Show me what a woman with hundreds of guys after her who is kind, feminine, womanly, ageless, good and what you believe is the woman he would grovel for looks like and has.  Easier? 

Me: yes.  I think so.  Though what the hell showing me exactly what I'm not and his ex and younger women he would prefer are like will do my wellbeing I don't know.

Coach: don't do it by them - what would a you that he would grovel for be like - deage yourself if you want, give yourself whatever attributes, jobs, money you need. 

Me: I can't.  I'll never have enough and I'm too old so why bother making myself hurt more.

Coach: to face your fear.  This guy isn't coming back so it doesn't matter.  It's just an executive sales exercise.

Me: what would a man like him grovel for in a woman?  Well that's a simple enough question. But it's also one that makes me feel ill and that he's never coming back.

Coach: we only have to do this once and I'll have your script.  So far we have basically you're happy because he's written grovelling and saying he was in the right because he didn't fancy you and couldn't see it working and now he does fancy you and can see it working but it's not because you look better, he's just more confident you guys can work as a team and make it through, he's willing to do the financial stuff and he isn't really bothered about children, he just wants you back with him permanently being a proper couple.  And he's written because he knows youve blocked him, quite rightly, because he's been a jerk.  And my notes say that realistically you know that he needs to see the change, or at least hear about a change but he also has to prove he's not shallow.  But you're unwilling to do anything to make it easy or do it for him.  All I know is that when you imagine getting a letter from him that says he was a jerk and wishes you would talk to him and maybe consider dating him properly this time, you feel happy and radiant.  So let's put that in.  

Me: I just got a message from a mate asking me to clean a holiday home.  I feel a bit yuck as I really didn't want a career change to a cleaner.

Coach: ignore it, it's just a mate asking for a favour because you're close by.  It'll get you extra steps and noones going to think a one-off cleaning assistance for a friend is your career.  Focus.

Me: okay.  You promise you'll write this all up so I don't have to think it through again. 

Coach: yep.  So, you're waking up with him, he wrote you a letter saying he was a jerk and wants to be with you and you're waking up with him regularly to try and build up your relationship and he's not using you for sex because sometimes you just cuddle up and sleep.  How's that?  

Me: yes I like that.  And staying over in the evening is fine - I mean I get up early and have a full day anyway.  Coach this mate keeps trying it on and it creeps me out - but also I don't mind cleaning and I can just chuck the cash into a pot for something. It's not my career and although I'd like to run a wee hostel/air BnB cos interesting people come through I don't want that as my career either.

Coach: okay.  We can revisit this regularly you know.  For now, we know that you would be happy if he wrote to you saying he'd been a jerk and he wants to see you and you to stay over regularly - sometimes not for sex, for being together and bonding, and that's a really nice start and he's not really fussed about children so he doesn't give a toss what age you are, it's you he wants.